I had a dream I was back home again last night.
Everything was back to they way they used to be.
I'd go to school from monday to friday, have tons of fun in class with all my 5s2 mates, then rush off to tuition classes in the afternoons. Monday afternoon was usually piano classes and Addmaths at night ( with Mr.Tsan), English classes with Miss Chee on Tuesdays, wednesdays were the most tiring, PBK in the afternoon ( that was the most boring one of all) and physics at night ( with Mr.Liong), then Bible Knowledge on Friday afternoons ( Gosh that was worst than PBK) and finally Chemistry on Saturday nights... Of course I wasnt swimming already then, but dont get me started on how much i miss my swimming training and competition days i had...
Then Saturdaywould be packed with church and youth activities.
Then Sunday would be spnt at hom unless there were special things to do..
And we'd start the week all over again...
I miss home. I miss home and all the days I used to have.
I wish I could go back and relive those best years of my life again, when i was contented, when i had everything i needed.
I wish.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
A resident of mine passed away just yesterday.
He wasn't actually a favourite residnt of mine but well, I knew him ever since we started placement at my nursing home. He was this nice old man who would visit his wife nearly everyday. I remember how he used to look, wearing a tweed suit and hat and holding his walking stick smiling at us when we walked by. His wife was severely demented and probably didn't even know what was going on half the time but she did remember him although you wouldnt be able to hold a proper conversation with her.
Still, he visited everyday and was content to simply sit there beside her in front of the television and hold her hand while she bobbed her head merrily to anything on tv. I always wondered how it was like, to love someone so utterly and completely even though at times she wasnt even aware of you, when at times nothing she did or said made any sense at all, when you knew that she was never going to get any better, and that she would never again be that person you fell in love with?
How does it feel to love so completely and unfalteringly for so long?
Whenever we were changing her pads or giving her a shower and stuff, whenever she got distressed and was crying out, he would always be there. He'd rush forward and just hold her hand, and then she'd settle down, comforted by the fact that he was there. She didnt know much else but she knew that she loved him and he loved her. Just as simple as that.
Well, he soon moved into our nursing home and things sort of went downhill after that. He was always in and out of the hospital and the very last time, last Sunday, he was back in the nursing home again.
I remember wheeling his wife into their room and she smiled at me and pointed at her husband. She said, "Look there's my husband." then she waved and said 'Hello darling". And i remember being pleasantly surprised that she would point that out to me, thinking she was surprisingly lucid that day.
Then as i was finishing off my shift, i saw the ambulance pull up on our driveway and one of the nurses told me that he was gone. Our first thought was How are we going to tell his wife?
How are we going to tell his wife that he's gone? That she will never see him again?
WOuld she even understand?
Maybe we shouldnt tell her. But then we wondered if there was some part of her, some part deep inside here that was lucid and awake and knew everything, that somehow KNEW that the person she loved most in the world was gone?
I didnt stay to find out how they told her or if they did. I was too shocked and a bit sad.
Jojo and I were waiting for our bus after that shift and we were talking about how he was taking pictures of us that day, saying he wanted to make a scrapbook. His hand was shaky so the picture he took of Jo was blurry. He promised Jo that he would take another one of her as soon as he could.
Somehow it just made us sad when we thought of it because well, he never did.
He wasn't actually a favourite residnt of mine but well, I knew him ever since we started placement at my nursing home. He was this nice old man who would visit his wife nearly everyday. I remember how he used to look, wearing a tweed suit and hat and holding his walking stick smiling at us when we walked by. His wife was severely demented and probably didn't even know what was going on half the time but she did remember him although you wouldnt be able to hold a proper conversation with her.
Still, he visited everyday and was content to simply sit there beside her in front of the television and hold her hand while she bobbed her head merrily to anything on tv. I always wondered how it was like, to love someone so utterly and completely even though at times she wasnt even aware of you, when at times nothing she did or said made any sense at all, when you knew that she was never going to get any better, and that she would never again be that person you fell in love with?
How does it feel to love so completely and unfalteringly for so long?
Whenever we were changing her pads or giving her a shower and stuff, whenever she got distressed and was crying out, he would always be there. He'd rush forward and just hold her hand, and then she'd settle down, comforted by the fact that he was there. She didnt know much else but she knew that she loved him and he loved her. Just as simple as that.
Well, he soon moved into our nursing home and things sort of went downhill after that. He was always in and out of the hospital and the very last time, last Sunday, he was back in the nursing home again.
I remember wheeling his wife into their room and she smiled at me and pointed at her husband. She said, "Look there's my husband." then she waved and said 'Hello darling". And i remember being pleasantly surprised that she would point that out to me, thinking she was surprisingly lucid that day.
Then as i was finishing off my shift, i saw the ambulance pull up on our driveway and one of the nurses told me that he was gone. Our first thought was How are we going to tell his wife?
How are we going to tell his wife that he's gone? That she will never see him again?
WOuld she even understand?
Maybe we shouldnt tell her. But then we wondered if there was some part of her, some part deep inside here that was lucid and awake and knew everything, that somehow KNEW that the person she loved most in the world was gone?
I didnt stay to find out how they told her or if they did. I was too shocked and a bit sad.
Jojo and I were waiting for our bus after that shift and we were talking about how he was taking pictures of us that day, saying he wanted to make a scrapbook. His hand was shaky so the picture he took of Jo was blurry. He promised Jo that he would take another one of her as soon as he could.
Somehow it just made us sad when we thought of it because well, he never did.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Most Embarrasing Moment Ever
Was at the gym that day. There are 3 floors at my gym and i was at the topmost floor.
So anyway i'm making my way down all the flight of stairs, you know, minding my own business when I reach the ground floor ( which is where the washroom is)
Only i DONT know its the ground floor because i wasnt paying attention to how many flight of stairs i'd already taken on the way down and also because you cant actually see which floor you're at as the stairs are separated from the workout rooms itself ( if you get what i mean)
Anyway, there I am making my way down another flight of stairs when i really should have stopped and got out.
There is this huge group of tall, Australian guys there apparently taking a tour of the building with this snobbish Asian trainer that me and my friends all hate. they're all standing at the foot of the stairs and I'm feeling a bit self-conscious as I'll have to cut through the group to get to the next flight of stairs. So i'm walking with my head down and hoping and praying that my hair doesnt look like too messy and that i dont have a sweat stain on my butt or something. I cut my way through the group all the way muttering 'Excuse me's and 'Sorry's.
As i am going down the next flight of stairs, the trainer suddenly calls out to me ( Quite loudly too i must add)
And he says, "Hey sorry, but thats the Male's washroom"
And thats when i remember that the last flight of stairs down leads right to the male's washroom, nowhere else. And also thats when i realized that I missed the first floor and was headed straight for the Male's washroom.
So i've got this whole group of guys staring at me now probably wondering why I would be headed to the washroom and boy, I wished the floor would just swallow me up then and there.
What else could i do but cut through the group again with my excuse mes and sorrys to get to the first floor????
I was so so so so embarrased then and was cursing the stupid insensitive trainer all the way to the FEMALE washroom.
Jerk.
So anyway i'm making my way down all the flight of stairs, you know, minding my own business when I reach the ground floor ( which is where the washroom is)
Only i DONT know its the ground floor because i wasnt paying attention to how many flight of stairs i'd already taken on the way down and also because you cant actually see which floor you're at as the stairs are separated from the workout rooms itself ( if you get what i mean)
Anyway, there I am making my way down another flight of stairs when i really should have stopped and got out.
There is this huge group of tall, Australian guys there apparently taking a tour of the building with this snobbish Asian trainer that me and my friends all hate. they're all standing at the foot of the stairs and I'm feeling a bit self-conscious as I'll have to cut through the group to get to the next flight of stairs. So i'm walking with my head down and hoping and praying that my hair doesnt look like too messy and that i dont have a sweat stain on my butt or something. I cut my way through the group all the way muttering 'Excuse me's and 'Sorry's.
As i am going down the next flight of stairs, the trainer suddenly calls out to me ( Quite loudly too i must add)
And he says, "Hey sorry, but thats the Male's washroom"
And thats when i remember that the last flight of stairs down leads right to the male's washroom, nowhere else. And also thats when i realized that I missed the first floor and was headed straight for the Male's washroom.
So i've got this whole group of guys staring at me now probably wondering why I would be headed to the washroom and boy, I wished the floor would just swallow me up then and there.
What else could i do but cut through the group again with my excuse mes and sorrys to get to the first floor????
I was so so so so embarrased then and was cursing the stupid insensitive trainer all the way to the FEMALE washroom.
Jerk.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
To that person who left a comment for me???
Um
To that person who left a comment for me?
I cant really remember your chinese name but it ends with the word Lun?
I tried to view your blog profile to reply you but i couldnt somehow so if you could leave me a comment with your e mail address or something i could get right back to you :)
Cheers
To that person who left a comment for me?
I cant really remember your chinese name but it ends with the word Lun?
I tried to view your blog profile to reply you but i couldnt somehow so if you could leave me a comment with your e mail address or something i could get right back to you :)
Cheers
What is Life?
Why do we live Life?
Why do we go on living in this existenc when at times it feels so insane, so pointless?"
Lord what fools these mortals be! Said Shakespeare. And sometimes I couldnt agree more. what fools we can be at times when we waste our tim and energy in hate, worry, anger, fear, self-doubt and pity. when we waste our time doing meaningless things, wasting our life away, short as it is.
Funny how as a kid I couldnt WAIT to grow up. The ultimate goal in life for me at that time was to just grow up and be a full-fledged grownup. i would then do whatever i want to do and of course, do the ultimate grown up thing, DRIVE. And then i did grow up, and now i wanna quit.
I suppose at some point in their lives, everyone wants to be like Peter Pan. we want to just stay forever young with the Lost Boys in Neverland. To just stay, in that stress-free time when everything was simple and happy. when we didn't have so many dreams and disappointments, so much pain and sadness.
I'm so mortally afraid of waking up one day, 20 years older, and thinking, " Where did my life go? What did i do with it?"
sometimes it seems we just grow up, work, start a family, raise our children, grow old and die. Depressing but true. sometimes i wonder why we bother to go through life when there seems to be no point in doing so?
But no matter how pointless and useless life may seem at times, i try to remember what we DO have in life. Love, happiness and laughter, friends and companionship. For every tar, every drop of despair, every thought of frustration, there is a moment of love, a place of happiness. A baby's first word, children's laughter, the first streak of rainbow across the sky after a storm, the first flower that blooms in the spring.
I still don't know what life is, and i still don't know why we live life. but i know that life is precious, and we should live it the best way we can. without sorrow, without regrets, without hate.
Work like you don't need the money
Dance like no one's watching
Love like you've never been hurt
Live like there's no tomorrow
Why do we live Life?
Why do we go on living in this existenc when at times it feels so insane, so pointless?"
Lord what fools these mortals be! Said Shakespeare. And sometimes I couldnt agree more. what fools we can be at times when we waste our tim and energy in hate, worry, anger, fear, self-doubt and pity. when we waste our time doing meaningless things, wasting our life away, short as it is.
Funny how as a kid I couldnt WAIT to grow up. The ultimate goal in life for me at that time was to just grow up and be a full-fledged grownup. i would then do whatever i want to do and of course, do the ultimate grown up thing, DRIVE. And then i did grow up, and now i wanna quit.
I suppose at some point in their lives, everyone wants to be like Peter Pan. we want to just stay forever young with the Lost Boys in Neverland. To just stay, in that stress-free time when everything was simple and happy. when we didn't have so many dreams and disappointments, so much pain and sadness.
I'm so mortally afraid of waking up one day, 20 years older, and thinking, " Where did my life go? What did i do with it?"
sometimes it seems we just grow up, work, start a family, raise our children, grow old and die. Depressing but true. sometimes i wonder why we bother to go through life when there seems to be no point in doing so?
But no matter how pointless and useless life may seem at times, i try to remember what we DO have in life. Love, happiness and laughter, friends and companionship. For every tar, every drop of despair, every thought of frustration, there is a moment of love, a place of happiness. A baby's first word, children's laughter, the first streak of rainbow across the sky after a storm, the first flower that blooms in the spring.
I still don't know what life is, and i still don't know why we live life. but i know that life is precious, and we should live it the best way we can. without sorrow, without regrets, without hate.
Work like you don't need the money
Dance like no one's watching
Love like you've never been hurt
Live like there's no tomorrow
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